HeavyLight: Chapter 11

So if you’ve been following the story, you’d know that not too long ago, Jumbo Jim and I hit some chick with our car. But not just any chick; it happened to be the leader of a notorious gang of ferocious bikers. So, in order to avoid the cops, we brought her back to my house. Uh, we didn’t really think it through.

But we got her a room in my home so she could hopefully come back to consciousness. We weren’t sure if she had sustained any brain damage from being run over, but she did manage to survive a hit which would have killed anybody else, so we were sure she just needed to sleep it off. The first two days or so she mainly stayed in her room. Angry Steve took oatmeal to her and Dougman went in every so often to check up on her. She didn’t wake up until about eight or so hours after we brought her in. I’m not sure what Dougman told her, but whatever it was, it satisfied her, because Dougman walked out unscathed. I was almost sure she’s rip off his big, flat ears and stuff them down his throat.

But he was alright, and he was also handling the situation. I forgot about it. I forgot that there was a girl named No Face Lacey living in a room in my house. I also forgot that there was a girl named Marcy also living at my house, and when I did remember it I also noticed that she doesn’t come out of her room a lot. So I began taking her food, like trays of cereal, a sandwich, or some mac and cheese, depending on the time of day. In those times I saw her, I struck up a conversation every time. Though, they weren’t the best conversations, they were more like “Uh...you’ve got some fancy looking equipment...” and “Uh...I like your hoodie...” But she didn’t seem to notice my awkwardness, and we’d share a few words before I parted.

So I didn’t completely forget about Marcy for the most part. She kept to herself mostly, staying in her room, doing research or whatever. But Lacey was different; I didn’t keep track of her. She was just in her room and I figured she was sleeping off her wounds. That was until Saturday morning of course. It was the day after the big party that ended with the house burning down. Most of us got out okay, but because I had first injured my ankle and then ran with a busted up joint, I was still recovering from that wound. Steve got back from his trip with shabiqua around 8 in the morning, so he and Jumbo Jim and went to see a movie, because that’s what bros do on Saturday. I didn’t know where Dougman was, but I didn’t really care. I was all alone in my house for the first time.

It was morning, so I had just made myself a bowl of cereal. The label on the box said “Lucky Clouds All-grain vitamin enriched cereal” but I think that based on how it tasted, the label should just read “broken glass.” Because that was it was. But I wasn’t going to the grocery store until next week so I kind of had to tough it out. Jumbo Jim had been raiding my kitchen along with Roger and Kevin so all the good stuff was pretty much gone. The good news was that because there’s nothing left that’s really worth stealing, they wouldn't steal anymore of my food. Is that a good thing? I guess it is.

Anyway, so I was sitting at my table, eating cereal while the Morning News was playing on the TV. I wasn't facing it, but I could hear it over my shoulder. “Last Night, a house on Debra Boulevard was reported to have burnt down in some kind of vigilante fire. Witnesses say that it may have either been caused by the leader of a gang known as the East Side Butterflies, or some scrawny white guy. In other news, a man was reported missing and has not yet been found. Many say...”

I tuned it out after that. So I’m sitting there, munching on some whole grain broken glass, and the door to the hallway opened up. I didn’t immediately recognize the person stepping in because the last time I saw her was three days ago and she was wearing something entirely different. Now, at first, she looked female in appearance, so I thought “Marcy.” but it was actually Lacey.

Now, last time I saw her, she was wearing a black leather jacket, fishnet stockings, and hot pants. You know, your typical biker girl apparel. But I guess that’s not good morning attire, because she changed out of it, and now she was wearing a T-shirt that she probably borrowed from Steve, and her underwear, and that’s it.

She just walked in and headed straight for the kitchen. I was in mid bite, with the spoon up to my mouth, kinda startled to see her again. Especially fully awake. “Uh...” I murmured. She heard me, saw me, and then nodded in acknowledgement. Then she opened up the fridge and began pushing stuff around inside.

“Hey, my stomach is pissed; got anything to eat in this shack?” She said, possessing a deep bostonian accent.

“Uh...” I murmured again. I wasn’t exactly sure what to say, mainly because I hadn’t spoken to her since...well...I’ve never spoken to her.

She kept fishing around until she pulled a single frozen pancake out of the Box, snatched  the maple syrup up, and then slammed the freezer shut. She turned to me and said this; “Hey by the way, I don’t drink milk. Mostly because I’m not a total freaking wuss, but medically because I’m lactose intolerant. So I’m going to need some malt liquor and a couple of boxes of cigars. I prefer cuban, but I’ll settle for Dominican.” She said.

I wanted to say “cigars and malt liquor aren’t good breakfast treats” but all I said was “uh...” She walked over to the counter and started pulling out drawers, searching through them. She continually muttered to herself angrily, and I could only pick out the words “booty,” “ketchup,” and “government.” She pulled out two spoons, walked over to the dining room, and sat down across the table from me.

Lacey set the frozen pancake down on the table top, without a plate mind you, and poured maple syrup all over it. Then she proceeded to try and cut the pancake with the two spoons. I wasn’t sure what to say, but I wanted to know what Dougman had told her. I had expected that she would be clucking pissed about being hit with a truck and separated from her gang. But if she was angry, then she was being pretty passive about it.

“Uh...Lacey?” I asked.

She didn’t look up from her concentration. “Yeah?” she asked.

“Did you...sleep well?” I asked, which was the only non-conspicuous thing that came to mind.
“Yeah, pretty good considering I made out with the windshield of your truck at 70 miles an hour.” She murmured. Upon hearing that, I could felt icy water drip down my back. Now, I mean this metaphorically, but you can probably imagine my surprise and anxiety that she knew.

“You...know what happened?” I asked, shaking a bit.

“Yeah, I mean I was there. It would be hard to forget something like that.” She said.

“Uh...okay...you seem pretty cool with it...” I pointed out, not exactly sure what to say.

“Oh, I totally wasn’t. But believe me, I got you back.” She said.

“Exactly how...have you...gotten me back?” I said, trying to picture all the ways someone who is secluded in a room in the back of my house could possibly exact revenge on me. I kinda figured that being the top-of-the-line criminal she was, she would have thought of something creative.

“I took a hot one in your toilet.” She muttered.

“Okay...” I murmured.

“And didn’t flush.” She said, looking up and smiling sinisterly.

Was that it? I had to suppress the urge to let out a sigh of relief. Part of my worry about No-Face Lacey was that by living near me, she would do something horribly awful as an act of revenge. But apparently she did do something awful, just not the kind of awful I was thinking of. But I didn’t want her to know that she hadn’t really “made her point” so I just went along with it.

“Oh no...whatever shall I do?” I said, very dryly.

“That’s right, tin can. You don’t mess with Lacey.” She said triumphantly. It had been 2 minutes of her rubbing her spoons against the surface of the cold pancake but she was barely making a mark. Becoming instantly frustrated, she threw the spoons down and stood up. “Cluck this shaving cream, man! I’m just gonna go chug some milk.” She shouted.

“Uh...didn’t you say you were lactose intolerant?” I asked.

“Yeah, and I’m going to leave another hot one in your toilet...and not flush!” She spat angrily.

Now, my worry that No-Face Lacey was going to kill me over hitting her with my truck had subsided. I was actually pretty worried about it; I had all kinds of crazy scenarios in my mind for what might happen. I figured she would corner me with a hot iron and threaten to brand her name into my testicals. At that point, I would make like Adam in the garden and blame someone else, mainly Jumbo Jim. He’s my bro, of course, but I’m willing to say anything to keep someone from putting a hot metal end to my scrotum.

But now I was faced with this dilemma; there’s a crazy chick living in my house, and I don’t know for how long. I was going to ask her how long she planned on staying, but then the door opened up and Kevin Strokehard walked in. He raised both hands, flipping off the entire room with a double-bird. “What’s up, nasty cats? Kevin’s in the building now!” He said.

He stepped in and saw me. “Yo, awesome party last night, huh?”

“Uh...” I murmured. He glanced up and spotted Lacey. At first, he seemed surprised. Then he smiled.

“That the chick from the last time I was here? What was her name again?” he asked.

“No Face Lacey...” I said.

She was rummaging around in my trashcan, but when she heard her name, she turned around to see who had spoken. “Who dat?” She asked.

“I’m Kevin Strokehard babe. I’ve come to rock your world.” he said all suave-like.

“Yeah right, last person to use that pick up line on me was a lesbian. I told her I don’t date chicks, especially not chicks with mustaches, and she stabbed me with a number three pencil.” She said.

Kevin thought about it for a moment. Then he shrugged. “Alright. Sounds cool, babe. Hey, Blue, whatever your name is, listen: the cops are looking for people who were at that party last night, so I came to ask if I could crash here for a few months.” He asked.

“Uh...no. You can’t do that. You can hang out here for like the morning, but then I need you to piss off. Go crash at Roger’s Ex Wife’s house, there’s nobody living there anymore anyway. Just make sure to hide when Roger comes because he frequently does. Anyway, speaking of staying at my house, Lacey, how long do you plan on staying here?” I asked.

“What? At your house? Pff, I dunno. Probably a few days...or years...” Lacey said.

“Don’t you...like...have a gang to get back to? You’re their leader, right?” I asked.

She set a ceramic bowl down on the counter and began filling it up with Cheese Fingers. “Yeah, well, we instituted this rule in the Blurs that if you fall off your bike at any given time, you are automatically banned from the gang. I should know because I instituted that rule, and I’m still sticking with it. So screw me for falling off my bike, I should have known better.” She said before shoveling a few handfuls of Cheese Fingers into her mouth and take a mighty swig from my milk jug.

“Awh...that’s too bad. Who’s going to be in charge now?” I asked.

“Dunno, don’t care. For all I care, they could all drive over a cliff and then land safely onto another road which just leads to another cliff. That way they get the false sense of security before ironically crashing in the same situation but with a different outcome.” She said before taking another swig of milk.

“...Alrighty then. Uh, listen, it’s totally okay if you crash here for now but-Kevin don’t touch that.” I said just as Kevin was about to put his hand on a portrait of my grandma hanging up on the wall. He paused for a moment with his hands reaching out and then let his arms fall down beside his waist. I waited a moment just to clarify my disapproval of such an action and turned my attention back to Lacey. “It’s totally okay if you crash here for now but listen, my team and I are kinda in the middle of planning something pretty big and we really don’t want to be bothered. So I’d prefer it if you weren’t a distraction to anyone, okay?” I asked.

“Alright. Whatever. What’s this big thing that you guys are planning?” she asked, setting her bowl of cheese fingers down on the table and taking a seat.

“Uh...well, because you’re also a criminal and I don’t really see any reason in hiding this from you since you’re obviously not a cop, I’ll let you know that we’re planning on robbing a bank. There’s been a lot of activity in the past couple of days as we’ve been trying to get this thing done. We’ve got our hacker, one extra gunman, some burner phones, some new watches, and someone who’s going to be our hostage. We just need some body armor, some explosives, and a sixth person on the team.” I said, counting on my fingers all the things we need just to make sure.

“Huh, a bank robbery? Sounds hardcore. You know, I’ve wanted to rob a bank ever since I was alittle girl. That was my clucking dream, man. But my dad said I wasn’t good enough to be a bank robber. He said I lacked ‘authority.’ So he made me become part of a motorcycle gang. Maybe that wasn’t what I wanted, dad! Maybe I wanted to choose my own destiny! But NO, you had to go all ‘I’m older than you, I know what’s best for you.’ Well, screw your face, old man!” She shouted throwing her bowl of Cheese Fingers across the room.

She stood up and flipped off the ceiling. “I know you’re up there dad! Even though everybody knows you were a hardcore atheist; I know that you must have snuck into Heaven somehow. I bet Michael Jackson let you in. He probably let Adolf Hitler in too! And all three of you are partying and doing blow off of each other’s halos in the house of God! You disrespectful motherclucker! When Mom finds out, she’s gonna piledrive your bass back to Bell where you belong, flipper!” She shouted.

Kevin and I just started at her, not speaking. After a few moments of staring up at the ceiling and breathing heavily, she sat down and crossed her arms; her snarl still fresh on her face. “Sorry...I have daddy issues...anyway, that sounds fun. I wouldn’t mind being part of a bank heist.” She said.

“Really? Well, we just so happen to have a spot open. I might need you to fill out a resume though.” I said.

She shrugged. “I might still have the resume I filled out to be apart of the Blurs so I could just give you that.” She suggested.

“Hey dude, did you mention something about Body Armor? Don’t they sell that at Hoss Huntington's Road Side House of Fire Arms? AKA the local gunstore?” Kevin asked.

“I dunno, maybe. I thought that they didn’t but they might have had a new shipment or something. I’ll have to drive over there and check it out.” I said. Suddenly, my phone began to vibrate in my pocket. Taking it out, I saw on the screen that the caller was Dougman. Now, I wasn’t sure where he was, so I figured he would tell me in this conversation. But I didn’t want to have the conversation among these two weirdos, so I got up and started making my way to the hallway door. “Listen guys, I gotta take this call.” I said, opening it and stepping into the dim hallway.

After closing the door, I put the phone to my ear and said “yo.”

Dougman’s voice crackled on the other end. “Hey Red, it’s me, Dougman. Where are you right now?” He asked.

“I’m at home, where do you think? Where are you right now?” I asked.

“Uh, you know that party last night? Remember that dude that called me over?”

“Vaguely...” I said.

“Yeah, well he was a member of this gang called the Tungsten Toboggans. Their a big time gang, dedicated to organized crime across the Cincinnati area. They’re also a social group who helps criminals just starting out with spare supplies and finances. He heard about us hitting the bank and said his boss was thinking about lending us an explosive. But not just any. He wants to give us this experimental explosive compound called ‘Angry Baby.’”

“Alright...well the name already sounds totally badcore. But what exactly is it?” I asked.

“Well, I’m still fuzzy on the details, but it’s this plastic explosive made of talcum powder, pepperoni, diesel fuel, a plastic cup, and rubidium isotope number 33, all packed into a lunchbox with an alarm clock strapped to it. No fuse, just set it to ring in a few seconds and it’ll explode. They’ve already tested it like five times in the city. It blew the doors off a walk-in fridge during a restaurant heist. Apparently, it also has the potential to blow open a vault. I think it’s a go.” He said.

At first all I could think was “jackpot!” Then I did a little victory hip swivel. Then I thought about it some more. I’ve never really trusted gangs, mostly because every criminal follows the thieve’s honor code and rule one of that code is “there is no code.” So I figured they could be clucking with us. “Are you sure this is a good idea? Are they just going to drop off the bomb? Do we need to sign anything?” I asked.

“Well, first things first, I’ve got to meet their contact. Then I’ll see where it goes from there. By the way, I was talking to Marcy the other day because unlike you, I don’t freak out and throw cash registers through windows when I talk to pretty girls, and she mentioned that you  really needed to get back your impounded car before the Police get around to testing it for fingerprints.” he said.

I groaned quietly and rubbed my eyebrows. I had forgotten about the car. “Uh...yeah, I’m going to do that as soon as possible. The problem is that I’m sure that I can’t just go in there and ask for my car back, that would make me a suspect in that Crime Angry Steve and I committed like a week ago. So I’m going to need to steal it, but I don’t think I can do it alone. Steve and Jim are at the movies, you’re going to be haggling with some thugs for a bomb, and I think Roger’s in my garage right now, but he’s always been the getaway guy. Even though he sucks at that too. But being a gunman just isn’t on his list of traits.” I noted.

“Well then call up Kevin or something. He’s a meathead; he’ll do anything for some beer. Get him to help you out. Go check to see if No-Face Lacey is awake. I’ve talked to her a bit since she became conscious and I found out that she isn’t as scary as we thought she was.” He said.

“Uh...yeah...I wanted to talk to you about that. She’s awake. And in my living room.” I said.

“Really? Oh, well we’re talking now so I know she didn’t massacre you. But yeah, she’s a criminal too, she’ll empathize with your situation, she might help. It’ll give her a reason to get out of the house, stretch her legs, beat up some homeless guy in an alley. Anyway, I’ll call you back if I have any troubles. I’ll see you later.”

“Wait, hold on-” I said before I heard the soft sound of a conversation ending click on the other end of the phone. Frustration escaped from my lips in the form of an angry sigh. I had to go get my car, and I had to go buy some body armor. I figured that I might as well do them both on the same day. And Kevin was already here, so I could just tell him to tag along and offer to buy him a pint of mead or whatever it is the kids drink nowadays. I might as well ask No Face Lacey too.

I opened the door and stepped into the living room. “Alright guys, I-” I stopped in mid sentence. No Face Lacey was sitting down, Kevin Strokehard was right on top of her, and they were both making out. Like not even subtly. Like full on, sloppy and uncensored.

“Hey! Cut it out!” I shouted. They both shake out of their lustful trance and jolt with surprise, Kevin falling off Lacey and hitting the carpeted ground. “There will be no making out in my house! Ya hear?” I shouted.

They both apologized and stood up from their respective positions in the room. “Sorry bro, sometimes you gotta hit that gas pedal and ride the Johnny Long through the gates of freedom! Ya feel me!” he said, raising his hand for a high five. I just stared at him, not saying anything. The silence hung in the air, and his arm was just sticking up and his stupid smile was plastered on his face. Then he awkwardly brought the arm down and rubbed my face. “Now you do...” he said.

I push his hand away from my face. “Listen, First of all, don’t touch my face. Second, I need to go buy some body armor and then steal my car back from the Impound. Do you want to tag along? I’ll buy you some mead afterwards.” I said.

He threw his hands in the air and said “Awh yes! Mead for me!”

I glanced over at Lacey who was picking at her teeth with her fingernails. “Hey, Lacey, you want to join in?” I asked.

She shrugged. “So instead of having to pay for your car, you’re just going to steal it? Sounds like fun. Anything’s better than just hanging around in this house. I could stand to get out and stretched my legs which probably need a good shave now that I think of it.” She said.

“Then it’s settled. Let’s get rolling.” I said. Kevin and Lacey jump on in the air and shout “Yay!”

So that’s how I ended up back on the road.