There is a skeleton in my closet chapter 13

Ok, so I did something in the last chapter but I kind of forgot what. Let me think...oh yeah that’s right. I traveled to the bottom of the sea with an army, blew up an underwater base, traveled through a portal to an island in the middle of the sea and now myself, a cat girl and a girl who really likes scarves are currently being teleported to a facility on the moon. Yeah that sounds about right.

So we couldn’t really see anything until we left the rift of space time displacement. but when we stepped out of the teleporter, we found ourselves inside a large room with very big windows on all sides. Everything that wasn’t window was made out of a platinum looking material. The place appeared to be a storage facility to old west stuff, like barrels and carts and big jars of mayonnaise. “Where are we? Are we in Boston?” Chyna asked. If she had looked out the window, she would clearly see that we aren’t in Boston. Because out the window there was a long plain of white rock with massive craters everywhere. The sky was pitched black and there was almost no sound except for the smacking sound that was made by Anaconda while she was playing with her paddle ball.

“Alright. so we are on the moon. I guess we are in some kind of base and this is where they keep all the stuff from the olden days that they burn into fossil fuel. We should probably get out of here and find some kind of map of this place.” Anaconda said. “I think Kyle Pete lives here somewhere.” Chyna said. “Who’s Kyle Pete?” I asked. “You’ll know him when you see him.” Chyna said mysteriously. I looked around and immediately spotted the exit however it was blocked by a sea of stuffed giraffes that smelled like my Aunt Greece. “Ok, I think I see the exit. Anybody here allergic to stuff giraffes?” I asked. Chyna slowly raised her hand. so I had to carry her above the giraffes to the other side which was tough because Anaconda found a whip and kept whipping me with it, hence the name. but finally we get to the door which looks really futuristic and stuff like that. “Alright, first things first. Find out who owns this place. Second things second, beat him until he gives us the password to his personal safe. third things third. take all the money and buy frozen brains. Fourth things fourth, find the key to the Lost Temple of the Lost and Found.” I said.

“We better hurry then. I have a doctors appointment at twelve.” Chyna said. I didn’t want to break her heart and tell her that not only was it 3 A.M. but also that the world was pretty much taken over by zombies right now so there would be no health care anywhere so I pressed the open button with my nose and continued on without saying anything. We found ourselves in a long dark hallway. We all step out and immediately the door closes behind us. “I don’t think we are going back that way.” Anaconda said. We began to walk down the hallway. Personally, i am not afraid of dark hallways. I am however afraid of kaleidoscopes. but that is a discussion for another time period.

As we are walking around, Chyna says “I haven’t seen a single other person since we left that weird old guy. where is everybody?” Chyna asked. “I don’t know but I would appreciate it if you would get back to your feet so I wouldn’t have to carry you anymore.” I said. “Boy, you’re gonna carry that weight along time.” Anaconda said, slashing me in the back with the bullwhip. We kept walking around the hallways until we got into a room with nothing in it but a pedestal that stood erect right in the middle. On top of the pedestal was a priceless ruby about as big as my fist or a baby siberian tiger if you want to think about it that way.

“Whoa look at that ruby! I would love to grind that up and sprinkle it on my spaghetti!” Chyna said. “I wouldn’t touch that. It probably triggers some kind of security system.” I said. I wish I hadn’t said that, because it took just those words to summon the Jinx Genie. he appeared with a flash and began to beatbox. “oh ****! It’s the Jinx Genie! Everybody clip your toenails!” I said. however, he wasn’t after our toenails. he lightly tapped the ruby and caused it to fall off the pedestal and shatter on the ground. then he took a sip of his cup full of baby tears and disappeared back into the dimension of mythical creatures. An automated voice came on the loudspeaker. “Attention. This is the pre-recorded voice of the owner of this facility. Which means that I am not recording this right now. I am dead. you can find my body inside the vending machine in hall 8. we have intruders seeking after our big pieces of shiny rock. Releasing the robot hairdressers.” It said.

“is that a bad thing?” Chyna asked. we were about to find out. We looked out the door into the hallway. a small door on the side opened up and a rat wearing a trench coat walked out. He looked at us and said “Hey, you. yeah you. I got some goods for ya. check it out.” I pulled open the side of the trench coat revealing that he was ironically selling a set of rat traps and rat poison. Just then, a robotic vietnamese woman wearing a pink blouse rolled up and shot a laser out of her mouth that turned the rat into chicken noodle soup.

“Oh crap! I’m allergic to Chicken Noodle soup too!” Chyna cried. It looked our way and opened up its mouth. “Run! Sprint! Dash! Other synonyms of escape!” Anaconda cried. we turned around and ran through the doors on the other side of the room. we then found ourselves in another dark hallway and it appeared that there were more of the robot hairdressers rolling around, the flashlights built into their eyes staring down at the ground as they patrolled. “This isn’t good. we need to find a place to hide and wait for the robots to stop patrolling and go back to punching brick walls in the rec rooms...” I said. We crouch walked around (Chyna still in my arms) until we found a closet door.

Anaconda pushed open the door and we got inside. After that I set down Chyna and Anaconda began to pace nervously. “no no no...holy chalupa....this is bad...” Anaconda said. “Hey, I don’t remember the last time I had a threesome with anybody...” Chyna said. I stopped looking at the bottles of anti-baby spray on the shelves and said “Wait, what?” She looked thoughtful and reinstated her opinion. “Yeah, now would be a good time for a threesome...” She said. “really? We are trapped in a possibly abandoned station on the surface of the moon that is being patrolled by security robots looking for us and all you can think about is sex?” Anaconda asked. “Well...I mean....what else are we going to do?” She asked. and she had a point. Anaconda could see that as well.

So we spent the next hour or so having a threeway in the storage closet. I don’t want to go into detail, but it got pretty intense. I wasn’t even sure how long we had been going at it until somebody opened up the door. I was completely unprepared for it as well. You know when you are playing twister and you and your two other friends get all tangled together? well that’s what was happening to us at the time the door was open. Only we were naked and Chyna was covered in Anaconda’s bite marks. So the door slid open and the first thing we heard was “hey, no threesomes in the storage room. I thought I made that clear to everyone.”

Now when you hear that and you are having sex, the best thing to do is to stop having sex. So, like a TV that just got unplugged, we stopped moving altogether and stared at the guy who had opened the door. He was a skinny black guy in overalls and wearing a cap. He also had with him a bucket and a mop. I stopped nibbling on Anaconda’s cat ear and said “Hey...uh...can you give us like four more minutes?” Anaconda pushed me off and got up, gathering her clothes. After she was mostly dressed, then came the questions. “Who are you? Are you the only person in this facility? Who’s your daddy?” She asked.

“I have the same exact questions to give to you three, freaking making love in my private quarters. man there ain’t nothing sacred anymore; kids just be ****ing anywhere with anybody.” He rambled on about. I put on my underwear and Chyna tied scarves around her self as makeshift clothing. I got up and began to address my team. “Uh we are just some travellers looking for the lost temple of the lost and found. These are my friends Chyna and Anaconda and I am...” I tried to say but he cut me off. “Man, those ain’t your friends. If they be both riding your pony express at the same time, you can at least have enough sense to call them ‘partners.’ But enough about that. you travellers you say? Well then you probably ain’t no nothing about this place here.” He said.

“Well, can you help us out? we would like to kind of get out of here.” Anaconda said. “Sure thing little missy. You can call me Rusty Dusty. Or just Dusty. Or just D. Or Just. I go by any of the four names really. I’m the janitor aboard this facility which was renamed Moon Base Numbah 7 last week and was scheduled to be renamed next friday but then everybody but me committed suicide for absolutely no reason so here I am, just moppin up all the blood I can find.” Dusty explained. “Alright, its nice to meet you. Uh, can you kind of help us find our way out of here? We kind of got trapped in the storage closet after all those security robots showed up.” Anaconda said. “don’t you folks worry about them. I ate up all those things. too much trouble to switch em’ off. also, iron is good for your intestines. but it’s probably a good idea for us to leave now. The facility is about to explode and sink into the surface of the moon. I’m not sure why really. I was never one for tech and stuff like that. Come we me, I’ll take you to a place we can get you guys some new clothes.” He said, turning around and walking down the hallway.

“Hey, does anybody see my shirt?” chyna asked. “I might be the one lodged in my ear canal. you probably won’t want it though...” i said. He lead us back down the hallway and then around it. After a few minutes of walking slow to fast music playing out of the speakers, we found our way into a room labeled “Exit room.” On one side of the room there was a rack for space suits and on the other there was a rack for space guns. “Alright, everybody grab a astro-jumper. slip it on. One size fits all. Just don’t spill horse raddish on it. The suit might turn into a Tu-tu and that ain’t gonna save you out on the surface.” Dusty explained. So we all slipped into a different color suit. It wasn’t that hard a decision mostly because we had lost more of our clothing. I’m not even sure where it all went. At one point, I think a lizard came in and snatched my pants right out of my hands but I was so focused on watching Chyna and Anaconda make out that I missed it.

I think Anaconda might have completely swallowed Chyna’s underwear too. So if you are even going to have a threesome, make sure you place your clothes in a neat pile in the corner of the room. because if you just leave them out in your work space, you could lose them. just saying. So I got into a red suit, Chyna and Anaconda got into a white suit and Dusty put on a suit that looked pretty much the same as his overalls only they were made out of plastic. then he handed us each a lazer shotgun. After that, he handed us each some kind of futuristic gas mask. “Uh...what is this?” Anaconda asked. “that’s your HAPPY face. you put that on so you can breath. also, if someone releases a hot stinking one while you are trapped in a confined space, it should filter out the smell.” Dusty explained. So I slipped the mask on my face and pressed the button that said “press this button if you prefer to breathe oxygen.” Chyna pressed the button on her mask that said “press this button if you prefer to breathe camel spit” and suffered the consequences of it.

After we had all be fitted with a suit, Dusty pressed a button on the side of a large iron door and it slowly slid open, revealing a small room with another door on the side of it. We all filed inside and waited for the door to close. Then all the air was sucked out of the room through a straw and the screen about the door turned on, reading “Now entering the sucky fields of white rock that make up the surface of the boring moon.” then the doors slid up and revealed the outside world. We all stepped out, noticing that our gravity had drastically changed. “Whoa...I feel so weird right now. It could just be the amount of Chyna’s saliva that i’ve swallowed but I’ve got a bad feeling deep dow inside...” Anaconda said through the built in head speakers in each of our masks. “Hey Anaconda! I can hear your voice inside my head! I can hear my voice inside my head! Dusty, can you hear my voice inside your head too?” Chyna said.

“Quiet little lady. Look over there. Check out that...” Dusty said, pointing to the north west. We were standing in front of a long road made of obsidian and some kind of glowing blue stuff. Rolling down the road in front of us was a ferris wheel. It was just a big rolling wheel that rode calmly down the road towards the east. “We ain’t alone. Those were the space clowns riding in one of their big fancy ferris bikes. They normally stay in one place, but for some reason they’ve packed up and are on the run.” Dusty explained. “Well that raises the question: what were they running from?” Anaconda asked. We looked back in the direction that the ferris wheel had rolled in from. Then we saw them. Hundreds of them. We couldn’t really see them at first, but then they got closer and we saw there glowing yellow eyes. Zombies. On the freaking moon. “Zombies! How the man in the suitcase did they get on the moon?!” I shouted. “I don’t know but their coming this way and fast!” Dusty said. The zombies themselves were dressed in tattered jumpsuits and astronaut gear so we could tell that these were a fresh batch of zombieness native to the surrounding area.

I looked at the lazer rifle and concluded that I was pretty sure it wasn’t going to be able to take out all the zombies. “Ok...we need to get the duck in a basket out of here...” I said. “Hey look!  A conveniently placed moon car! We can use that!” Dusty said. He was referring to this really nice car with white paneling and blue windows. “I drive!” I said, even though I can’t even drive my train of thought. So we rush towards the car and open the doors. On the doors, by the way, was a sign hanging that said “Please don’t steal my car, my name is Nom Nom Kipperdoodle I will haunt you forever.” and the thing is that I know Nom Nom Kipperdoodle and he’s a total ***hole so I ignored the sign opened the door, scooting into the driver seat. Once I realised that everyone was inside, I slammed down on the gas. the car rocketed forward and within 6 minutes, we managed to completely outrun the zombies.

“Wow. that was close...lets listen to some music.” Chyna, who was in the back seat said. I shrugged and put a green cassette tape in labeled “Awesome song.” this is what I heard next. “Warning. this song is only meant for dogs to be able to hear. if you are a dog in at least having the same range of hearing as they do, make sure that you are prepared for the worst ten minutes of your life.” Then I couldn’t hear anything after that but a soft whistling noise. Anaconda, who was sitting next to Chyna, covered her eyes and screamed “turn it off! turn it off!!!” I pulled the cassette tape out, rolled down the window, and flung it out. I watch in the rear view mirror as it bounced around and hit a wandering trash can robot in the back of the head, causing it to fall over into a rather deep crater.

“what’s wrong, little missy? don’t you like dog tunes?” dusty, who as you can probably guess was sitting next to me said. “I’m sorry. it’s just that...it was just a dubstep remix of the Happy Happy Joy Joy song. If I listened for too long, I might have turned into a tiger and ate all of your faces. Well, not like the way I ate Chyna’s face a few minutes ago but well...” Anaconda said. “can you all please stop talking about that three way you was haven? Dang white folks, always bringing up their sex life.” Dusty said.

it got quiet after that. the kind of quiet where you get really hard nipples. then Chyna said “Where are we even going?” Dusty and I exchanged looks. “well...there is this nice little town not too far up the road. we could stop there and get a good overview of the place. After that, well, it’s all up to you, Chicken man.” he said to me. I looked in the rearview mirror half expecting to a gang of pissed off chihuahuas but then I saw another car like this one only it had red and blue flashing lights on the top. “Hey, who is that driving behind us?” I asked. Dusty looked in the rear view mirror and said “oh crap! It’s the po po po! Pull over!” So I did what you are suppose to do when an old black man yells at you and I obeyed him. The car that was behind of stopped shortly after we did and a guy got out.

He was a caucasian male, approximately 27 years of age and wearing a light blue police uniform from the 1950s. He was even wearing the cap and the badge as well as a Remmington 85 strapped to his back which is a gun that doesn’t exist in your universe. He appears in passenger side window and angrily gestures for Dusty to roll it down. Once he does, the cop guy pulls out a pistol and points it at him. “Click it or ticket, mother ****er!” he shouts. “What? what do you mean click it? Officer, I am in fact wearing a seat belt.” Dusty said. “hands where I can see them!” He shouts. “oh you can see my hands, they're right here.” He said, motioning with his head to his hands which were calmly resting in his lap. “you have the right to remain silent!” He shouts. “that don’t mean I’m going to.” He says.

There was a loud explosion far away which caused the ground to shake. I looked in the rear view mirror and watched as Moon Base Numbah 7 exploded and then sunk slowly into the ground. “Well...there goes my paycheck.” Dusty said. “What are you four doing out so late? Don’t you know its a school night!?” the officer pressed. “Hey, I’m 21 ok! And I know you saw that base just explode and sink into the ground. don’t play it off like that kind of stuff doesn’t affect you.” Anaconda said. The officer launched into this long speech where he began to list all the different types of cheese and the temperatures it takes to boil them. Meanwhile, I was busy looking out the rear view window noticing movement in the background. There were several shapes crawling out of the craters to either side of the highway and then standing up. then I saw the yellow of their eyes and realised that we were about to be swarmed by a whole bunch of zombies.

“Officer...I don’t want to tell you how to do your job...but you’re about to get mauled by zombies.” I said. he stopped ranting and looked around. “oh sherbert. I thought that guys at the station where only joking when they said Sam got eaten by a zombie today. Scoot over, I’m coming in.” He said, opening the back door. He then awkwardly crawled over Chyna and sat in between the two girls. He buckled his seat and yelled “Vamemo!” I kicked the gas and we floor-ited down the road, leaving the zombies in our dust. “Well...it appears that you desire to join us...” I said. “yep. Mostly because in my hasty escape from the zombie’s undead clutches, I forgot that I had a car of my own. So I guess I will be going where ever you guys are going and will just stop you from doing drugs.” He said.

“Well you’re in luck. We are heading for a place down the road. You got a name, officer?” Dusty asked. “Yep. I’m Officer Sandwich. I have a perfectly clean record except for the jelly stain in the corner. I have busted 50 meth labs, over turn 180 tables and have gotten maximum prestige on any given Call of Duty game. I’m just that good.” He said. “well its great to have a real officer of the law by our side. that Remington 85 which doesn’t actually exist in the reader’s universe will come in handy if we come across anymore zombies.” I explained, making sure to write both Dusty and Officer Sandwich’s name in my little black book. “yeah, I have a question mister officer man. How came you aren’t wearing a HAPPY face and your outside and there isn’t an atmosphere?” Chyna asked.

“Well because I’ve been on the force for this long, I’ve learned how to hold my breath for 3 and a half days.” he said. “well what about the pressure and the heat from the sun? You don’t appear to be wearing a spacesuit either...” Anaconda argued. “Oh you must be one of them ‘scientific’ types. newsflash: this is a piece of fiction. Nothing in this story could actually happen in the reader’s life. You’re a freaking cat girl. there are zombies chasing us. where does science play into this?” He yelled. Anaconda could see his point and didn’t say anything for the rest of the ride. After a few minutes, we lost the mob of zombies. after another few minutes, we all began to run out of air in the tanks in our space suits. we were also experiencing extreme sickness from the songs that Dusty kept humming. Finally we arrived at the place that Dusty was talking about.

It kind of looked like a small town that you would find in Texas but all the buildings were made out of space age alloy and there were armed Pandas patrolling the street. We park the car on top of a small vietnamese lady and get out, walking towards a place that has the words “Ye Old Drunk Box” written in blood across the door. We get out of the car and enter through the airlock. Inside the airlock there are two goats dressed in tuxedos who tell us that we aren’t allowed to enter the building until we have been licked clear. so we stood there for about 10 minutes waiting for the goats to stop licking us. after that, we took off our HAPPY faces and went inside. Inside it looked like a normal kind of bar. there were people and poles and people dancing on poles and Frank Zappa. “Hey Frank Zappa!” I said. He smiled and it made my day. Then he pulled a hole out of his pocket, threw it on the ground, and jumped through it.

“That guy is not the greatest. He’s the double greatest.” Officer Sandwich said. Muhammad Ali came out of nowhere and punched the Officer in the face, knocking him to the ground. then he got on his knees, looked up at the ceiling and shouted “My last name....is not....clay!!!” then he passed out. Our Bartender was a mime in a glass box and everybody knows how much I hate mimes so we didn’t talk to him. Instead we took a seat at a table that was occupied by a woman who was just covered in tattoos. they weren’t necessarily cool tattoos really; she had just tattooed a bunch of note-to-selves all over her body like “Make sure to watch for land mines” and “Don’t take candy from a baby especially if that baby is a pro wrestler.” I sat down in the wooden chair.

“Hey! don’t sit in that chair!” She said, pointing her revolver at me. I got up from the chair. “...thanks you.” She said. “Who R U?” Chyna asked. “I don’t have a name. but if I did have a name, it would be Betsy. Betsy Bombastic. I’ve been living on the moon for...well you can’t really tell time on the moon because there isn’t day or night. but its been long enough for me to build a scaled model of the eiffel tower out of marshmallows.” She explained. “Real quick I want to ask you this; do you believe in the Almighty hedgehog?” Anaconda asked. “girl, the only thing I believe is that Tupac didn’t die, he’s just sleeping in heaven. One day he’s gonna come back and burn all the candy bars down, making a giant chocolate statue of himself which he will set down in the middle of Time Square. that is what I believe.” She explained. I shrugged. “Seems legit. then we need your help. We are looking for the lost temple of the lost and found and the key is supposedly somewhere on the moon. We just need to know where to go from here.” I said.

“How convenient. I have a full map of the local Moon bases in my belly button. let me get it for you. She reaches into her belly button and pulls out a long rolled up map. then she unrolls it and puts it on the table. “Alright, so right now you are at Small Town Epsilon. If you take I16, you will eventually come to Moon Base Numbah 4. From there you can take the monorail to Moon Base Numbah 13. Be careful though. If you cross over the ruins of the failed city project, then you can get to Moon Base Numbah 16 which is connected to Moon Base numbah 15 and Moon Base numbah 87. Did you get all that?” She asked. “You lost me at ‘alright so right now you...’” Chyna said. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll just give you the map. don’t worry, I have plenty of them. I used to be made out of maps but then i met a wizard and he turned me into a real boy. but I didn’t like having a ding dong so I beat him until he changed me into a real girl. Needless to say, I’ve got tons of maps.” Betsy Bombastic explained.

“Ok great. So what do we do when we get there?” I asked. “Hades if I know. I just know that that would be the best place to hide a key to a mythical lost temple of wonderment. It is also a good place to hide eggs if you are doing an easter scavenger hunt.” She said. Officer Sandwich finally woke up from his momentary coma and began to question her. “What...what were you doing on the night of the 15th?” He asked. “Again, I don’t know what day it is because I live on the moon.” She said. “Oh...that makes since. so what are we talking about? Model airplanes?” He asked.

“We’ve got a plan right now. We are going to head over to the cluster of moon bases and see if we can find the key.” I said. “...great. good idea. fantastic idea actually. but I kind of want to stop by a donut shop because I’m a cop. And I’m not insinuating that all cops like to eat donuts its just that shop rhymes with cop and ironically I wanted to be a rapper instead of a cop. but sometimes destiny throws curve balls.” Officer Sandwich said. Betsy handed me the map and stood up from the table. “So are you going to come with us? It would be nice to have a teammate like you to help us out.” I said after I shook her hand. “Oh what? No. I couldn’t do that.” She said. “but...why not?” i asked. She reached under the table and pulled out a rocket launcher. “Because I had already planned to kill myself today with this here rocket launcher. now if you excuse me, this has been the end of my final hour.” she said.

then she turned around and then walked into the lady’s restroom. We waited for a moment or two. Anaconda began to say “wait, is she going to shoot that at her-” but was interrupted because the door to the bathroom exploded off its hinges and a butt ton of smoke poured out. “Oh...well that must have sucked.” Chyna said. “Well it least she went out like a boss.” Dusty said. “Alright, so we are going to go to the cluster of bases now. but first we go to the donut shop and then...” I slowly stopped talking because something weird was going on. the whole time we had been talking, there was a cluster of fat jocks in the back shouting at the television but for some reason they stopped. I turned around to see what all the lack of a commotions was all about and I almost threw up my brain when I saw who was on the television.

there...on the TV screen, was The Prime Minister of Wisconsin. to his left was a Leprechaun and to his right was an indonesian woman dressed in 90s clothes and carrying a boombox on her shoulder. “Attention inhabitants of the moon. It is I, your new ruler. The Lactating Cows have set up a base and are now on the hunt for the keys to the lost temple of the lost and found. If we find you, we will capture you and then drop you into a pot of boiling hot maple syrup. Mostly because we get a kick out of that kind of stuff. But yeah, uh...its going to take a while for us to get to you. Don’t bother fighting back, we have Bone Drones and Cosmonauts armed to the teeth with tooth slingers. And this message goes out to that guy who almost killed me the last time we met. If you are watching this...your fly is open. goodbye and all hail the almighty Hedgehog.” He said. then the TV went back to a program about two ten year old boys in a slap fight and the jocks went back to hooting and hollering.

I looked down and noticed that my fly as indeed open. “Whoa. How did he know?” I asked out loud. “I don’t know man but that guy obviously didn’t look like he was a good guy.” Dusty said. “well he’s not. He’s the Prime Minister of Wisconsin, leader of the Lactating Cows. We destroyed his base on Earth but it looks like he found his way to the moon and has a few more friends with him. From the looks of it, I think we will be seeing more of that Leprechaun and the indonesian lady in the future.” Anaconda said. Dusty and Officer Sandwich seemed to understand so we decided that now would be a good time to leave. but first we refilled our Imagination tanks so that we could stay outside longer. We went back through the airlock which was a bit of a drab experience because the goats demanded that they lick us again. after that, we put on our HAPPY faces and went outside.

the first thing I saw was a mime which pissed me off because I hate mimes. remember what I said a few paragraphs ago? But the next thing I saw was horrifying. this zombie comes running out of nowhere towards the mime. Now he isn’t running like a crackhead zombie with his arms flailing around. this guy is running straight at the mime like he had a mission statement and a goal. He also had several dozen poles sticking out of him like he was a pincushion for PVC pipes. Worst of all, he had chainsaws for hands. “I...AM ON....ECSTACY!!!” he screams.

Then he chops up the mime into little bloody piece. that was atleast alittle satisfying to see. A nearby panda guard spit out his tea and began to shoot at the ecstacy zombie. the zombie ran over and sliced the arms off that panda. more panda soldiers came in and began to shoot at it but no matter how much they shot it, it wouldn’t go down. “You know what? That zombie kind of sucks ball hair. He’s going down.” Officer Sandwich said. then he ran up from behind and shot the zombie in the back of the head with the Remington 85 which is a gun that doesn’t exist in your universe. The zombie’s head flew straight off, causing him to fall to the ground. then he exploded into a bunch of green mist, which sent Officer Sandwich flying backwards.

“Holy cheese grader! what the humpty hump?!” Chyna cried. Two pandas stood over the dead zombie, looking down upon it thoughtfully. then one put his reading glasses on and says “You know Ted, when I put on my glasses, I can see better.” Then a normal zombie came up from behind and bit him in the neck. More zombies showed up, normal and boomers, walking out from the alleys and from the road towards up. the first thing that everybody did was panic. then we stopped panicking and got in the car. Dusty and Anaconda had to jam Officer Sandwich’s body into the back of the car which I am pretty sure is a legal offence but I’m pretty sure he’ll understand when we tell him the circumstances. I took shotgun so Anaconda could take the wheel and we drove right out of that town, turning on Exit 154,231,001 and into I16. “Ok, so remember kids. The Ecstacy zombies take alot of hits to kill. and when they die, they explode into a green gas that you probably shouldn’t inhale. did you get all that?” I asked.

Dusty started to pick his nose and Chyna began to knit a new scarf. I let out a sigh of frustration and looked at the mirror on the side of the door. I saw through the reflection that there were four Crackhead zombies chasing us from behind and they appeared to be gaining on us. “Yep. There are abunch of crackheads chasing us. then again, this kind of thing has happened to me before. Chyna, could you be a dear and hand me a lazer rifle?” I asked. She nodded and handed me a croissant. “Close enough.” I rolled down the window and stuck my head out. “I’m on crack!” they all shouted at the same time.

“Merry christmas, ****es!” I shouted. then I threw the croissant. It hit one guy in the head and then exploded, killing the other three. “Well that takes care of that.” I said. We continued to drive until we lost the zombies. that was great. what wasn’t great was that we got caught up in traffic. Down the road a few miles we found ourselves coming across a hundreds of trailers and tents just precariously park on the road and around it. There were a bunch of people standing around wearing gold fish bowls on their heads. “rock on! It’s the year of the Scorpion!” one of the hipsters shouted. I stopped just short of a guy dressed in hot pants and a goldfish bowl and nothing else holding up a stop sign.

“Hey, what is going on? Did New Jersey transfer all its guidos to the moon?” I asked him from the open window. “None. This is the tri-annual Singing snail Convention. We have a tailgate that’s at least half a mile in diameter.” He explain. “Well we kind of need to get to Moon Base Numbah 4. can you help us?” I asked. “Well the tailgate kind of surrounds the Moon Base. You can get to it, but you’re going to have to walk.” He said. then one of his fingers fell off. “Can you get that for me?” He asked. I threw open the car down which cut him in half, sending his body slowly floating away. “Looks like we are going to have to continue on foot.” I said. We all got out of the car and pulled Officer Sandwich from the trunk. when he woke up, we had to explain to him that we missed the donut shop which was tough because its hard to do that to a fellow friend. He took it pretty well actually.

I promised him that we might get a donut or two on the way back. He nodded and we continued on. We left the car and began to walk the streets of this crazy makeshift town. all around us are people wearing gold fish bowls and t-shirts that said pretty condescending stuff like “Oh, that T-shirt is sooooo cool. pfufh.” and “I am totally jealous of you. No really. No, I am. pfufh.” I turn around and do a leg count. I count about 14, including mine. but if there were only five people in my group there would only be 10 legs. that’s when I realised that we were being followed by a moose. I pointed right in his face and screamed “Moose!!!” And we all took off in random directions, running from the moose. I ran through an alley, around a car, around another car, through a lesbian orgy, through the set that was filming spider man 6, across a river of ice and then into a library.

inside the library everybody was walking around and drinking vodka out of sippy cups. sitting in the corner was Elvis and Officer Sandwich playing poker. “Hey Officer Sandwich! There you are! Come on, we need to get out of here and find the rest of the group.” I said. “Alright, just let me win this game.” He said. So he pulls out a 20 from his butt pocket and slams it down on the ground. Elvis pulls a five dollar bill out of his teeth and places it on top of the 20. Officer Sandwich shoots Elvis twelve times in the chest. Elvis pops like a balloon. game over.

Officer Sandwich picks up the money off the ground and says “Oh yeah! I got myself 5 extra bucks! I’m gonna go back to college!” then he takes out his handcuffs and cuffs himself. “Why did you just cuff yourself?” I asked. “Because that kind of gambling is illegal. didn’t you know that?” He explained. I decided that I didn’t have time to stop and explain to him just how flawed his logic was. “Come on, we need to find the others. Let’s go.” I said. he got up and followed me out the door, his hands still cuffed together. we walk outside and into this courtyard formed by like 10 RVs placed like walls around a square of smooth moon rock covered in fake green grass.

there are at least 20 people bowing down and worshipping in a circle around a stump in the middle of the courtyard. The only two people standing are Chyna, who is looking around anxiously, and Anaconda, who is holding her hand and reading a map with the other. “Where could they have gone? I’m so scared, Anaconda!” Chyna said nervously. “Dang it, this blank piece of paper doesn’t tell me anything! Why did we buy a map from a tent selling maps written in invisible ink?” She asked herself angrily. “Chyna! Anaconda! There you are!” I shouted as I approached them. the first thing Chyna did was hug me and gleefully shout “There you are! I missed you so much!” the second thing she did was take a swig of water from a purple water bottle and spit it in Officer Sandwich’s face. He couldn’t do anything about it however because his hands were cuffed.

“Its sort of probably great to see both of you again. I was afraid that I was going to have to go back home and live with mother in a hut on top of Mount Everest if I didn’t find you.” anaconda said. “That’s all good and stuff but where’s Rusty? this would be the part of the story where he goes missing and we later find him dead but he hasn’t really lasted long enough for that to seem fair to his character.” I said. “I don’t know but what is that sound? Sounds like something sprung a leak.” Officer Sandwich said. I first checked my imagination tank to make sure there wasn’t a hole in it. then I heard what sounded like a soft high pitch squeal endlessly singing into the air-less atmosphere. Deciding to investigate, I followed the sound of the squeal until it lead me to the tree stump at the center of the worshipping crowd. There, sitting on the trunk, was a snail.

He had his mouth wide open and I discerned that that was where the sound was coming from. This was probably the singing snail that they were tailgating around. I guessed that he was probably singing but In the oxygen-less atmosphere, you couldn’t really hear the “Singing” part. only a high pitched ringing noise. “Ok. Now that’s just weird...” I said. Anaconda walked up to the trunk beside me. “What’s weird? Ooh, look! A Snail!” She said, looking down. She reached down, picked up the snail, pulled off her HAPPY face, threw the snail in her mouth, swallowed, and then put the HAPPY face back on. “Mmmmm....singing snail....” Anaconda said blissfully.

I looked around at all the people who had been worshipping this snail. instead of lying on their bellies, shouted “Praise the snail! Praise the snail!” and carving ancient markings into their foreheads, they were all now standing, staring at us silently. Nobody spoke. not even they guy who was playing the tuba for the deranged orphans in the corner blew a note. “Uh...did I do something wrong?” Anaconda asked. One guy approached us from outside of the group, wearing a long red robe and a turban on his head who wasn’t wearing a HAPPY face or a goldfish bowl.

“Yes you have. you have eaten the singing snail, the very creature which this entire community of singing snail worshippers have built their lives around. Because of that you have not only ruined the sanctity of our culture but also cars, bicycles, jumper cables, pregnant 16 year olds, bicycles, dolphins and ah...ahh...ahhh...” He said. then he sneezed. the sneeze sent his face flying off and by the time that it hit the ground, I realised that it wasn’t a face, but a mask. His real face was green and bald with three yellow eyes and a purple goatee.

It took Officer Sandwich a moment to realise that there was something wrong with this. when he finally did notice it, he was like “good Grover Cleveland the third! You ain’t human at all!” The guy let out a long, sad sigh. “Alright, everybody. the jig is up. take off the masks.” He said. Then everybody around us who wasn’t apart of our group took off their goldfish bowls and pulled off their masks, revealing that they too had green faces with three eyes. “What in the Samantha hill are you?” I asked. “We...are martians. This tailgate is only a cover for a real plan. for when the moon is in perfect alignment with the sun, we shall invade the earth, enslaving the human raise that then destroying it! then we will reassemble it, probe every last one of you, and destroy you again! dadadadadadadada!!!” He laughed wierdly. then he pulled out a ray gun. all the other martians pulled out ray guns as well.

“Well...you’re kind of late. Civilization was just recently destroyed by millions of zombies which our now walking the earth. So uh...there aren’t really alot of human left.” I said. “...really? So like...the zombies beat us to it? dang....I thought this was going to happen...well....uh...this is kind of awkward....I guess we will...uh...” the leader started to say. Right on cue, a zombie walked up from behind and bit him on the back of the head. He screamed “Santa Maria!” and collapsed to the ground.

the other martians fired their ray guns at the zombie, turning it into a wax statue of Teddy Roosevelt. More zombies began to show up out of the alleys and pathways made from the RVs and trailers parked everywhere. “Oh ma good. Zombies. This was not in the brochure...” One martian said. then a big, muscular zombie picked up a trailer and shouted “I’m on steroids!” then threw the trailer across the sky. It hit the cow which was jumping over the moon and exploded which would have been really poetic expect it was kind of terrifying. So we turned around and ran down an alley not covered in zombies. I picked up a ray gun off the ground and shot at the zombies coming in from the sides of the pathway.

“Wow, this is bad. I guess we kind of led the zombies here, which totally ruined our chances of peace with the martians...” Chyna said. “Martians smartians. we got a real problem here. zombies aren’t just any kind of monster.” Officer Sandwich said. We eventually found Rusty Dusty standing next to Red Fox and Bill Cosby all drinking a martini. “Dusty! There you are! What are you doing?” I asked. “oh, I’m just hanging out with my buddies/childhood heroes.” then Bill Cosby said something to me but I can’t repeat it because that would be copyright infringement. Because I had been so distracted by the three old black guys, I forgot that we were surrounded by zombies. I was quickly reminded when a zombie walked up from behind and bit Bill Cosby on the shoulder. “Oh Rudy! A zombie has bitten me!” Bill Cosby shouted. I know its kind of inappropriate, but I almost laughed at just the way he said that. Red Fox put his hand on Bills shoulder and said “Its ok, William. Just remember; there is a skeleton in all of us.” and he was right. in fact, that’s the tagline to this story.

Anaconda grabbed Dusty’s arm and we continued to run. behind us there was a crowd a zombies following us as well as three or so acid zombies floating overhead. I got into the crowd with my ray gun, turning a few or so into wax statues of teddy roosevelt. but it wasn’t enough. Officer Sandwich would have been more helpful if he hadn’t handcuffed himself. We took a left, a right, another left, a third left, then a right, the a loop-ty-loop, then a u-turn, then back around, and down a long stretch of pathway. at the end of it, we saw the doors leading to the airlock of Moon Base Numbah 4. “We have to get inside there! There will probably be something in there to keep the zombies at bay!: I shouted.

just as we were halfway there, another crowd of zombies showed up from the other side. they accumulated at the end until they completely blocked off the exit. I thought it was the end until I noticed one zombie was really big and fat and his belly was shaped like a barrel. “I’m a boomer!” he shouted and to me, it was the greatest thing I could hear right then and there. So I pulled out Steve’s lucky pistol and shot him right in the gut. He exploded and all the zombies around him went flying. “Yes! Thank heavens for exploding zombies!” Anaconda shouted. we all ran until we got to the door. Officer Sandwich pressed the open button on the door 23 times before the little message popped up saying “please wait for the door to open.” So we turned to the crowd of zombies running this way.

I pulled the Remington 85 which is a shotgun that doesn't exist in your universe and began to blast at the zombies. Anaconda took out a pack of pencils and started throwing them. Dusty fired an LMG into the crowd and Chyna moved around, deflecting the acid spit that the acid zombies spat from the sky at us with a trash can lid. finally, the platinum doors slid open and we rushed inside. As the doors closed behind us, we took one last glimpse of the zombies as they disappeared from view. and this is where we go to the next chapter.